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Friday, May 29, 2009 @ 12:41 AM
The week to an end...
I'm not really in the right state of clear mind now. Clouded with random thoughts and feelings.
Yesterday, I went out with a guy I used to date in my teens. The meet up was pretty random. Sort of started on msn because I was supposed to organize a gathering with the whole bunch and he was giving me some opinions of the places I thought of and blah blah blah. Initially, I scheduled myself for a "me-me day" as planned a week ago. Yup, gym first then shop around a little...maybe even catching a *movie before savouring my favorite prawn wrap from The Soup Spoon and then home sweet home. But my me-me time was put to halt because that guy randomly asked about my plans for the week and I told him I was free to meet up.. yadda yadda...
*movie - erm, not surprising. I think some of us have ever bought a single movie ticket be it to pass time/just for the sake of watching it alone. My first solo movie was Saw 5. I admired my courage. Hah!
It was a tad awkward at first. I mean, yea, dated, broke up... friends. And he's not change one bit. Still the same guy I used to know at that time. I don't know if my expectation of a partner has gone far beyond fetch, but when we sat down and started conversations, my mind sort of agrees that "hey, maybe this is why you guys broke up" ... erm, you get the drift? No, in no way or another am I putting him down. I am just saying that people do change, their thinking changes, their wants changes and their heart changes as well. Anyway, the bottom line is that, be it how close I was with him last time, I don't feel comfortable on a one-to-one. Guess it'll be the last unless we're in a group.
Due to peer pressure, surroundings, exposure, critics, heartaches, setbacks etc; we all change in one way or another. Some for the worse, some for the better, some stayed just the same.
I was going through my sent folder on gmail and chanced upon old emails. My past did somehow left traces here and there I guess. As much as I try to "bury" certain memories by deleting quite a number, merely just by a look at the title of a dated email; sent overwhelming gushes of emotions through me. I cannot describe that feeling.
My past and everyone who crossed my path made me who I am today. The heartfelt words of a BFF, the countless bitching with a bunch I used to hang out with but has now gone their own ways, a guy I thought would be my future and a guy I used to call Love... everything-every incident, every picture, every song, every word accounts to the Diana you know now.
The past will always remain status quo. For memories come and go.
I miss the past but I yearn for the future more.
And my happiness comes from being myself. Doing the things I love, sharing the things I enjoy, loving what I love.
Just being me, myself and I. Will you love the old, new me?
**
This is real, This is me I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be, now Gonna let the light, shine on me Now I've found, who I am There's no way to hold it in No more hiding who I want to be This is me
