✗o✗o, Diana

In a blink of an eye(gosh cliche), here am I in September 2009 (ok too much of time traveller's wife). Been slogging my ass in that STUPID BANK for the past year. I know, I shouldn't complain in bad times like this-recession and all, but I am not happy.

My highly unmotivated self caused quite a riff between me and the boss. This past month, I made a number of 'no-excuses-please' mistakes(compliance issues) and arrives at the office 5 - 10mins late in 3 out of 5 working days.

It's like my life as a 24 yr old suddenly went into plateau mode and I refuse to budge nor change. Not that I do not have a goal to strive forward to, but long term goals have to start with smaller achievements. Pardon my French, but first allow me to whine and cuss. I am absolutely fucking sick and tired of Singaporeans kiasu-ism/kiasi-ism, fucking sian of having to be in an environment where they would kill each other to be at the top of the grapevine, fucking irritated with horribly ill-mannered assholes who has the audacity to be ya ya papaya when they are at fault, fucking unpleased to comply with Sgp's work tradition, fucking sick of the government*ahem*propaganda*ahem*/ERP surcharges/train services/weather. The list can go on.

On the irony, I am proud to be a Singaporean. I love how my ang mo friends have at least heard of tiny little red dot and to my surprise, telling me that Singlish is being popularized worldwide. Isn't it darn easy to identify a fellow Sg-ian despite continents apart? This is how Uniquely Singapore we can get. Growing up in a multi-racial society sure has its ups and downs, yet the envies of many half a world away. I love my country and I know this is home; but this is definitely NOT the life I see myself in. You could say, I am jolly well giving up 'The Singapore Dream'.

Anyway, back to track. I have to get back my momentum and be good. At the very least, be a good employee. I really don't know what's got into me, really. I'm thinking it might be due to the overwhelming stress I put upon myself. Then again, my priorities are all mixed up at this very moment. I stressed so much on my studies that I forget the fact I hold a perm job in a bank. True enough, the effort I put in academic paid off but the downside?

It's a tad embarrassing to say this, but from my younger days, I dream of wearing a graduation gown. Being the eldest in the family, there is this constant pressure of being the first to obtain a degree. I have disappointed my parents by not following the "correct path" (elementary-primary-secondary-JC-NUS/NTU); and to go through this arduous education road just so I end up a graduate is seemingly not easy as well. I just want to say that being an "academic outcast" in Singapore does not take us very far. Our government seriously do not give a damn to those who dropped out of the prestigious education system. When was there even recognition to those who try very hard to juggle both work and school? Not many of us can afford to pursue our academics. In fact, I had to slog very hard after I decided that continuing an IT diploma in poly will get me no where near my area of interest. I thus quit poly, work and forked out my own money to get my diploma. And all the time, envious of those whose parents can afford their education. Like, why can't I study full-time like everybody else? Why?

But today, in terms of being academically inclined or work experience wise, I have both. In fact, I am glad I "swayed out of track". I might have missed out on campus life and having fun but I do admit I gained quite a fair share on work-related experiences and my mind works differently now.

So anyway, just to update, my dream of officially studying full-time is 10 months away. Yes, I might not have gotten into bloody NUS/NTU, but so what? I am completing my degree in however/whichever fashion I want it to be. In time to come, my life will change. I am willing to risk it all and be at my best.