Dearest paperplanegirl,

Today, I created an fb event for an upcoming class gathering. As I was typing and thinking of what to shout out in that event page, I thought to myself : Seriously, why am I doing all these? Why can't I be the passive one who receives the invitation and simply RSVP? Why should I be planning the itinerary, gathering votes on the bbq date, coming up with entertainment stuff? Why is it that everytime I ask for suggestions, no one seem to hear my pleas for assistance??! Why are they so dependent on me? Is it because they simply don't care or am I just too easy-going?

Then, I recalled an entry you made months back :

There is this girl I know, Diana. We met on the first day of secondary school and in our silly teenage tussle for Queen-Bee rights, became nemeses of sorts. I think we were destined to either be enemies or best friends. Too similar in too many ways, you see. We even kinda look alike.

And yet despite the countless squabbles and misunderstandings we’ve had over these 12 years, I am always drawn to her. There was something about her that made me think her special. She was always the life of any party. Always ready with a quick-witted retort to get everyone in stitches at her audacity. It was like nothing fazed her. She took pride in being bitchy and gossipy, but in the most likable way possible, if that makes any sense.

Yet her hugs made you feel like there was an old soul inside that bubbly cotton-candy facade. Surely it gets tiring once in a while being the life of the party. As far as I could tell, she kept up that persona even around her boyfriends and best friends.

Me being the annoying “come let’s talk about your feelings” kind of person had tried on a few occasions to lure her into peeling back some of those defences. We went for a late night picnic in April this year and it felt like she wanted to open up. Then she disappeared. Withdrew.

I was concerned but gave her space to breathe.

Blogs these days often seem to be a space for people to parade their cute photos and flaunt their romances, and it’s becoming rarer to read a really raw, vulnerable entry. Diana wrote one this week.

Today I invited her to be my +1 for a Saturday night party a colleague invited me to. Her reply explaining why she wouldn’t be able to join me revealed something she’d been keeping to herself for a while now. Something scary and painful her family is going through now. Because of this, she’s also had to put aside her original plan to commence her Mass Comm degree this month in Australia. I teared when I read her sms.

It’s incredible how much burden a person can carry on their own and even more incredible how they manage to conceal it so well from the rest of the world. I have respect for the way she’s handled herself - she generally loves attention and the spotlight, yet is matured enough to not play the victim like some would.

But at the same time I hope she is able to recognise when to put aside that sunflower act if it ever becomes more a liability than a protection. I hope she hangs on and finds the truest her.

This entry is dedicated to Diana, a pretty kickass person.

//credits to paperplanegirl*.

**
To think positively, it may be due to me being super enthusiastic over almost anything. Picture this. I may have said this to you : "OMG we should go to the beach one day!" I tend to keep thinking of all sorts of future plans and hype things up before the date arrives or if there is ever a date to begin with. Maybe it's because of this nature in me thus subconsciously making me the organizer/planner/"date-asker"(if there is a such a word). Somehow, the situation from just a regular conversation turns to me being responsible for making things happen, for ensuring that nothing goes wrong, for keeping to our word. If that ever makes sense.

But just like any other human being, I'm utterly flawed. I shamelessly complain when I want to and bitch when I feel unjust. Which brings back your attention to the purpose of this whole entry saga. Funnily, right at that moment when I clicked 'create event', I remember what makes me Diana and forgot all about what was I complaining in the first place.

I guess what makes me, ME; cliche much, is that I like to see the pple around me be happy. I enjoy bringing people closer, I like the warmth of laughter when we joke about nothingness. Even if I have to make a fool out of myself to break an ice or say something weird/silly so my friends will laugh, I would. Best of all, contentment fulfilled too when I get 'thumbs up for effort' or simple 'thank you(s)'. I always try my best to create fun memories. This is probably my way of letting my pple around me know that I'm friendly (srsly, why do I get comments like fierce on 1st impressions?). Yea, the whole me being spontaneous thingy might seem like me merely being a nobody busybody to a total stranger; but really, bitchy or not, you decide. I won't dictate how/what you see me as. Really, I'm no superstar craving for attention. It is not even about vying to be the 'most popular girl' in class nor being wayy-too-nice-to-reject anyone thus slanting towards being fakey in the end. For the record, guilty as charged, I have bailed on gatherings and postponed meet ups too many a times. My bad, my bad.

True enough, it does gets tiring being ra-ra 99% of the time. Sometimes, pple take for granted that "because you are on the ball most of the time, you're almost always around to spice things up." Erm, like no? And little do they know that the insignificant 1% is the feeling of loneliness at max. I too, need someone to fall back on, someone to ask me out and do fun stuffs, someone to lend me a listening ear, someone to be there to wipe my tears away whenever life sets me back. For this, I have awesome close friends to thank for; for keeping my secrets, for never doubting me and most of all for not judging me.

I don't know what you think about me, I probably won't bother much either; but just so you know, this is the real me, from the bottom of my heart I speak.